Sovreignty and Marriage- Part I

I had an awesomely vivid dream last night. Nothing supernatural about it, pregnancy just does this to me. But the entirety of the dream involved my husband and I beginning to hike the Appalachian Trail up in Maine. Just us getting stinky, hiking through the woods, along a dried river bed that was muddy in some places and turning to hardpack, then having to swim across a lake to reach the other side of the trail. I remember jumping in the lake and tasting the water, not clear and springlike, but slightly muddy, algae-ish, lakewater. And my husband climbed back out and looked at me and asked “Wouldn’t you rather rent a canoe?”. Then I woke up. It was so awesomely normal, and us, it was a great reprieve from the completely whacked out weather we’ve been experiencing in Ohio lately (it’s 40 degrees today, but was -10 on Monday). But I feel like this dream not only came from my need for some idyllic nature time with my life partner, but from some of the ideas that have been bothering me lately.

One of those ideas has been marriage counseling. Especially, spiritually based marriage counseling. Like, why do we not have this available in the Pagan community? Other than the fact that we have such a diverse collection of religions and beliefs, but why do we not have this within the individual groups? We were married by some awesomely out of the box Christians, and spent a few months right before our wedding with them doing some pre-marital counseling. Then spent a couple months this past summer in marriage counseling with them again. Yeah, the first year of marriage is hard, and it definitely was taking its toll on me. And I was taking it out on E. This was good for us, and especially good that we were able to go to a couple that knew us, and our somewhat unique situation, for advice. They obviously drew their advice and inspiration from their Christian beliefs, but never pulled out a Bible (they’re somewhat anti-Bible people) to back it up. They’re believers of “Do-er” faith, not book faith. This is why we connect. But where are the Pagan equivalents? These are normal people, without degrees, who have training in counseling. Something anyone who was dedicated to offering this service could do.

While most of us don’t have a sacred book, we do have our myths. And a recurring theme in Irish mythology is the importance of the marriage of the king with the land. Definitely not advocating a submission of one partner to the other, I don’t believe at its core that’s what this marriage is about. But the importance of partnership and accountability to the health and fruitfulness of the family/community/land/etc. While the land is often referred to as female, and the king as male, there is an interesting attribute to these myths that one doesn’t usually see in effect in certain other religions. If the king fails in his duty to protect and nurture, the land sickens, and the people depose (or kill) the king. Not advocating killing your husband. But I think it shows the seriousness of of accountability in marriage to your partner, and your family. One person isn’t just declared head, and can do whatever they want, with little to no repercussions. Its a duty to always be encouraging and nurturing everyone else toward fruitfulness, before the self. That is the sacred duty of the king. Who, I feel, need not be the male, or more “masculine”, partner.

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Samhain I- The Ancestors

It’s October, yay! I don’t feel so bad about posting about Samhain, since it is less than a month away now. As a huge fan of Halloween (in secular practice), I always get really excited around this time of year. Which is something I think surprises my husband even now; he didn’t celebrate Halloween growing up (you know, because it’s Satanic), and I feel awful for him because it’s such a part of our pop culture. But now I’m faced with the dilemma of actually explaining Samhain to him, the kid who’s mom thought dressing in costume and begging for candy is all about the devil. And if you skim through some of the more readily available pagan books and possibly some of the more widely read websites, you see a lot of repeat and fairly shallow info on the holiday. Its the end of harvest season, the slaughter festival, the feast of the dead, and the time to look to the Crone/Dark Mother/pick your “dark” goddess.

While all of these tags have some merit, and I for one am very much not a subscriber to the idea of Maiden/Mother/Crone, none of them really delve into the meat or the “why” of any of these. So I’m going to commit a major research faux pas, and start delving a bit into my understanding of Samhain without citing my sources (I’m taking a day out of the house, and typing from a coffee shop), but I will try to remember to come back and add them in when I have a moment.

I want to start with feasting the dead, welcoming the Ancestors into our homes and honoring their life, death, and enduring wisdom. I know that there are some within the Reconstructionist movements that use the concept of ancestor worship/reverence as a front for racism. This is disgusting, and I think an awful, terrible concept. One should never be ashamed, ridiculed, or turned away from a spiritual path on something so trivial as ethnicity. With that being said, I believe that one of the ways we connect with our ancestors is through blood meditations. No, this does not involve slicing open my skin and bleeding myself to connect with any blood relatives in my past. For me, I combine visualization, rhythmic pulsing/drumming (recorded, because I don’t own a drum), and a dark room. It’s about turning my focus inward, finding myself, then reaching into my past through my blood to connect to the Ancestors. Now if you’re not of Western European descent, how does that work? I would argue that no matter our ethnicity, we share a common ancestor at some point. We also are impacted by archetypal Ancestors, who we can reach through ourselves but may not be blood relation. We know of instances of adoption and fostering Celtic Ireland and Britain, and my thoughts are that everyone that embraces a cultural spirituality is being adopted into the tribe (I do plan on addressing the concept of Outsiders this month). So we all share a collective ancestral tie. And just because your immediate ancestors may not be of Celtic descent, so what? That makes them no less important to you and your practice. While I, as a Pagan drawing inspiration from Celtic Ireland, Scotland, and Britain, chose a specific cultural group, its the mores and ethics that were held and have a rooted meaning in the culture that have kept me here. I just don’t think people should feel that they can’t embrace Celtic-based Paganism solely because they aren’t of that lineage.

While we say Samhain places a large focus on ancestor worship, how many of us actually see that as a part of many Samhain celebrations and rites? I know I haven’t, but I don’t have a connection to a diverse Pagan population. For me, worship and veneration of the Ancestors is the focal point of Samhain, especially those we have lost throughout the previous year. Samhain is about welcoming long-lost, and perhaps long-forgotten, family in for the feast, and assuring them of their continued legacy so they may rest easy until Beltane. Growing up, when I thought about death and heaven, I used to get really worked up about dying and being lonely. I obviously didn’t feel a personal connection to the Christian concept of God, so there really wasn’t a source of comfort in being with God. I knew my mom and dad, and all four of my grandparents (three of whom are still living), and numerous aunts and uncles. I felt really connected with my family, and to me, death was a wall between us. After finding a Pagan path, I’ve retained that connection (and actually felt more spiritually attached to my living family than ever before), but I’ve also discovered and developed a lifeline to my deceased family. We talk about the thinning Veil at Samhain, this is the time when we can use this spiritual lifeline to find our way to our Ancestors and help them to find us. It’s about finding and honoring family, the hospitality for each other, and the reassurance of enduring life and love. I honestly cannot think of a Pagan holiday more family focused than Samhain, and it just astounds me that it seems to be the hardest to find family-friendly rites for.

The heart of our Samhain rite in our household is inviting the Ancestors in for the feast, especially my husband’s wonderful great-grandmother who we lost this past April. Our son is so blessed to have so many living relatives (6 great- and step-great-grandparents, both sets of grandparents, numerous great-aunts and -uncles, an aunt and two uncles, and lots of extended cousins), and I want  him to grow up knowing this connection is deep and spiritual, and it lasts well beyond this thing we call death.